


I Can Lie In The Dark Room (Without The Feeling That I’m Lonely)

by TheOverflowingJar (Mesarthim)



Series: Soft Universe [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: 18+ characters, Angst, Boys Kissing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depressed Ikari Shinji, Discussion of masturbation, Erections, Fluff, I thinks that's all, Kissing, M/M, and they talk about it, bisexual Shinji Ikari, kaworu is a little shit, kaworu loves teasing, shinji pops a boner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22239412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mesarthim/pseuds/TheOverflowingJar
Summary: When something bad happens, Shinji runs away.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Series: Soft Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1314986
Comments: 10
Kudos: 155





	I Can Lie In The Dark Room (Without The Feeling That I’m Lonely)

**Author's Note:**

> It took me 6 months to write this and still I'm not satisfied. But since I don't know what else to change, I'm posting it as it is. Please try to get past the beginning scenes, I promise the second half of this fic is better.  
> I'm my own beta so if there are errors, they're all mine.  
> As usual I'm projecting both on Shinji and Kaworu and using them to psychoanalize myself, but please, enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to all of you who read the first fic in this series, who left kudos and comments. You're all so much appreciated, I'm so happy you liked that and hope you'll like this one too. Feel free to leave kudos and comments on this too.
> 
> Title from Forgotten Love by AURORA.

Kaworu’s watching him.

Why is Kaworu watching him?

They’re sitting in silence, one in front of the other, in the noisy cafeteria. The sun is high in the sky, another beautiful day in Neo Tokyo 3.

Nerv headquarters is already buzzing with life, many people already at work, others just grabbing their breakfast before yet another busy day.

Shinji and Kaworu are having breakfast, the easy silence between them creating an invisible bubble. They're surrounded by people, chatter and clattering, yet it feels like they’re the only two people in the world.

Shinji remembers how he’s always felt out of place. A quiet kid in an ocean of bustling children. Those bright lives around him were a realm he couldn’t be part of. So he stayed on the sidelines, near a white wall in a crowded room, on a lonely seat in a cramped train. His only companion his father’s tape recorder. The music filling his ears became a way for Shinji to feel as comfortable as he could ever feel in a crowd. It gave him the chance to ignore what was happening around him and feel ignored in return. A safe way to navigate life. 

But since Kaworu, Shinji doesn’t feel the need to isolate himself. When he’s with Kaworu, there’s only them. 

But now Kaworu is watching him, between a bite of rice and a sip of coffee their eyes meet. There's an overwhelming warmth in Kaworu’s eyes, an attentive focus like he’s never seen anyone eat like Shinji does. And a part of Shinji’s brain starts overthinking - is he eating funny, does he have some rice on his check, did he spill anything - but a quieter part of himself just wants to bask in Kaworu’s attention. Be it warm, silent or breathtaking, Shinji wants it all to himself. 

He would feel selfish if it were with anyone else, but Kaworu seems happy to be close to Shinji, to watch him intently in whatever Shinji does, to ask for his opinion and kiss him.

Especially kiss him. 

Shinji doesn’t complain. 

He’s never been so close to another person, another boy, and it’s all so new and scaring and exciting.

It’s in moments like these that Shinji feels anxious. Sometimes Kaworu’s focus and closeness are a warm blanket that envelopes Shinjiand comforts him. Other times they’re heavy, stifling. A blinding flash in the dark that caches everyone’s attention. 

Shinji doesn’t want to be the centre of the room, the news on everyone’s mouth. 

The rational part of his brain knows that people can’t actually see the intensity of Kaworu’s eyes, but to Shinji it’s like a beacon.

He lowers his gaze to his chopsticks. He takes a few bites of his breakfast. Then looks at Kaworu again, a quick glance but Kaworu’s eyes are intent on his tray and Shinji can breathe a bit better.

Kaworu has always this perfect timing when Shinji starts to feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t know if it’s just coincidence or Kaworu is that attentive to his moods. But it happens every time.

It seems to Shinji that Kaworu lives his life like everything he does is allowed, he doesn’t overthink his actions or words before acting. He is. He exist. And everything else just has to adapt to him. But with Shinji he’s gentle and kind and considerate.

For him it isn’t a problem to hug Shinji in the middle of school or when they’re surrounded by people. But he doesn’t have problems with a lot of things that Shinji finds difficult. Like telling Shinji everything that pops into his head, as if Kaworu doesn’t have a filter between his thin, soft, inviting mouth and his smart and scary brain. Or as if he doesn’t know that one doesn’t just tell someone else how interesting their eyes are or how cute they look when they sleep. Which Kaworu did. Many times now. 

So, even though Kaworu is more open and nonchalant with his actions -with his words, with his being - he gives Shinji space. 

Once, at the end of a day busy with tests and a very difficult battle with an Angel that just didn’t want to stay dead, Shinji finally meets Kaworu in the room they regroup after every fight with Misato and Doctor Akagi to discuss their shortcomings and in what they need to better themselves. When Kaworu enters the room, Shinji can see the precise moment Kaworu’s brain realizes he’s finally in the same room with Shinji. His eyes widens, his gaze more focused now, his mouth stretches into a soft smile, a tired but happy smile, and with mounting horror, Shinji can see him going in for a hug. Kaworu’s pace quickens until he’s right in front of Shinji, his arms stretch upwards, trying to encase Shinji into a lovingly crushing hug. 

And Shinji goes rigid. 

Maybe it’s Shinji’s hard set shoulders, his stiff posture or how his eyes dart from one corner of the room to the other in quick succession, afraid, but Kaworu stops. In a moment that can’t last more than a heartbeat, Kaworu’s hand hides in his pocket while the other one settles gentle on Shinji’s arm. 

That is allowed. Tiny, gentle, comforting touches are allowed.

And even now Kaworu changes his behavior because Shinji is uncomfortable. And without any words from him. Kaworu just senses Shinji's discomfort and acts accordingly. 

He sends Shinji a few glances, as if to let him know he’s okay, they’re okay, he doesn’t mind. 

They finish breakfast in the same easy silence and, together, they set off to school.

Shinji has always navigated school as he’s navigated life: trying not to attract too much attention and answering only when spoken to. The first week of school had been a blend of Shinji’s personal hell and a lot of exciting new experiences. He didn’t even make it through a day of school before all his classmates found out he was the new Eva pilot. Since Ayanami was routine and almost unapproachable, they dumped all their curiosity on him in a flurry of questions and requests. Shinji found himself surrounded by eager faces, smiling and excited and al their eyes were trained on him. It was both scary and thrilling. 

He answered as best he could the onslaught of questions but many information were confidential and many technical details of the Evangelion were a mystery to him. 

Then they started questioning him about his life, where did he move from, why was he chosen, where was he living and was he a friend of Ayanami’s. Shinji doesn’t like talking about himself, about his past and especially about his father to people he doesn’t know, so he tried very hard to deflect the most uncomfortable questions. Then finally the bell rang, its shrilling tone spreading through the corridors and his classmates’ attention was steered to the imminent lunch hour and Shinji was left alone. 

In the following days he had to answer a few other curiosities but in less then two weeks he became the new normal. His classmates had gotten used to have two Eva pilots in class. 

The wave of attention rose again when Asuka moved to Neo Tokyo 3 and history repeated itself: flurry of questions, excitement and curiosity that gradually died out. Contrary to Shinji’s case though, commotion followed everywhere Asuka went. There were always people around her, guys attracted to her looks and girls interested in being friends with such an important person. Even after a few months one could still figure out where Asuka was by the group of people following her.

Now, she’s mostly passing her time with the class president Hikari but, even if she’s talking with just one person, Shinji can feel if Asuka’s already in the room or not. It’s like an electric charge that makes the air feel heavier, breathing a bit difficult. He likes to think it’s because her presence is so vivid that even the atmosphere has to bend to her will - he doesn’t want to acknowledge the possibility of another reason why. 

And usually Asuka is always in class before Shinji is. Usually, but not today.

Today the class is awfully quiet, Shinji’s classmates are gathered in small groups all around the room and talk to each other. Ayanami’s sitting at her desk, looking out the window. Nothing strange there. What’s missing is Asuka’s laughter, her taunting words. The class president is sitting by herself, reading a book. 

Shinji doesn’t have time to ask her about Asuka’s absence, he doesn’t even really think he would’ve done it, before class starts.

Shinji sits at his desk, Kaworu behind him while the teacher starts the roll call.

At lunch break, the class presidents catches Shinji before he leaves with Kaworu.

“Can you bring this to Asuka?” she asks him, a few papers in her hand.

He doesn’t have the time to think of a proper answer, maybe a little lie to help him avoid Asuka as long as he can, before Hikari thanks him and leaves.

So Shinji finds himself at Asuka’s door after school. He’s alone. Kaworu’s gone doing something Nerv related- tests? Interviews? he doesn't know.

He rings the bell and waits.

Asuka lives with Major Katsuragi. There are a few gossips on why she didn’t end up sleeping at Nerv HQ, and a few even say she didn’t want to stay near Ayanami. Other say, since she’s from Germany, she’s not used to living in Japan and navigating a city where everything is written in another alphabet. So she stays with Misato. Shinji doesn’t know much about how they decided where to house her but…

The door opens.

Shinji’s musings stop to halt.

Asuka’s in front of him. 

Shinji can perfectly see how her expression changes when she realizes it’s him at the door: the curious set of her brows vanishes in a hard line and her eyes harden with a glance that could kill. 

He stammers something - how he’s been sent by the class president, he just have to handle her a few homework - but her staring doesn’t change.

Shinji’s never been good with words, but in front of Asuka his ability to string syllables together in a complete meaning is almost nonexistent. 

It’s probably her hard, unwavering look that unsettles him - not at all the view of her shoulder picking out of her too big t-shirt, or the angle of her hips that gives her body a sinuous curve…-

“Oh Shinji!” Major Katsuragi’s voice, much more friendly, calls “Asuka, invite him in! Don’t be rude!”

Asuka’s about to tell her something but Katsuragi doesn’t let her speak.

“I have to run, I’m late for work, but come on in, Shinji! Please Asuka, offer him some tea or coffee or something!” She says, picking up her things: her shoes, her bag. She pats the skirt of her uniform before setting off at the cheerful sound of “Bye guys!”.

They’re left there in silence.

Shinji watches in the direction Katsuragi run off. Better to look at an empty corridor than back at Asuka.

“I’m not letting you in.” She finally tells him. Her voice hard, angry.

“I don’t want to come in.” Shinji informs her “I was just sent to give you these.” he tells her againg, handing her the papers.

Asuka looks at him, and at the papers and finally takes them.

She seems to not entirely believe Shinji’s words, because she crosses her arms, shifts her weight from one foot to the other and cocks her hip.

Shinji’s gaze lowers, taking in the slope of her shoulders, the roundness of her breast just hinted through the baggy shirt and her arms wrapt tight under them, how her body narrows at the waist and then broadens at her hips, her soft thighs - soft? He doesn’t know if they’re soft but they certainly look sof…-

“Pervert.”

Shinji’s gaze jumps back at Asuka’s face, her blue eyes still angry but with something else in them - amusement? And then all he can see is the metal door being shut none too gently in his face.

He’s left in the corridor, grey and deserted - the distant sound of traffic the only proof than someone still lives here - and the swarming of his brain.

He’s so stupid.

Shinji turns and takes the stairs. The silence is filled with the sound of his shoes against the dark flooring.

So fucking stupid.

This neighborhood was one of the first to loose almost all of its inhabitants. Many decided to move out to the countryside when the attacks begun. Shinji remembers hearing about it on the news and now he can see it first hand: the deserted streets, back alleys where only cats still linger, dark windows and empty balconies, not even some clothes or a futon hanged to dry. The only noises are his footsteps and the cicadas.

How can he be so fucking stupid?

At the train station there’s more people, probably going home just like Shinji’s doing. The only difference: he doesn’t really have a home to return to. He has a room, a bed, a bathroom and a meal plan. Not really a house. 

Shinji’s own father doesn’t even talk to him. Doesn’t even want to talk to him.

His memories of his mother are all muddied now. He doesn’t even remember her voice, nor her face. Where her mother was, now there’s just a foggy, human-shaped blend of color: soft pink for her skin, white for her clothes and a dark shade of red for her hair. 

It’s always been him: Shinji and himself. Shinji alone. Shinji against the world.

By the time Shinji arrives at the Geofront, the train is empty.

When he reaches Nerv HQ, it’s almost like drowning in the sea of people that leave the building. They’re all done for the day. They all have better places to get to.

Shinji doesn’t have a better place to get to. 

Stupid stupid stupid.

He glimpses Ayanami at the entrance, moving like she belongs, like she knows why she’s here and where she’s going. How can a high schooler look so comfortable in such a place? In a place made for work, for strategizing, for endless tests and blank faces.

How come he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere?

How come he’s still so out of place he can feel it in his bones like a dull, ever-present ache?

Shinji goes straight to his bedroom. 

He’s tired. It’s barely evening, the sun is still shining outsides, coloring the reflective surfaces of the building of Neo Tokyo 3 in a bright red light, and Shinji’s already in bed.

The covers pulled up over his face. 

In the warmth and softness of the bed, Shinji folds himself. Knees to his chest, arms around himself, head tucked between his shoulders.

He wants to sleep.

God, he’s so stupid.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Stupid.

Tomorrow is not better at all.

He remembers the alarm going off in the early morning, when there’s just a hint of light at the horizon.

He knows he ran to change. He ran to the Evangelion, reaching Ayanami and Kaworu.

The rest is all a jumble mess.

He’s sitting in the hallway now, waiting outside Kaworu’s hospital room. The door looms before him, closed and impenetrable.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed. He’s pretty sure it was still early afternoon when he arrived but now there’s not even a faint light in the hallway. There’s just the glow from the overhead light reflecting off of the white walls around him. 

His mind can’t get past what happened. He’s being going through the motion while his brain is stuck on repeating the last battle. How it seemed a normal, straightforward angel; they’d had been caught by surprise in the early hours but they still had time to prepare what seemed a bulletproof plan. 

Except it wasn’t.

There’s always a catch with these…beings. Always a way, a chance for them to get hurt. 

This time, all it took was a distraction of a mere second. A glimpse in the corner of the eye. A blinding ray of sunlight shining on the surface of a broken window. A distant scream. A very small and stupid thing, a second of distraction, Shinji taking his eyes away from the target and the next thing he knows is something bumped against him. 

Something pushes him. He falters. His eyes recognize the looming shape of the angel, bent in front of him, his arms up and ready to strike. Shinji backs up. He tries to get the legs of the Evangelion on a flat surface, tries to regain his footing. But it’s useless. The Eva 01 is too big and too heavy to easily regain is balance, and Shinji is soon falling, the towering figure of the angel all he can see.

He slams his head and he must have lost a few minutes because when he opens his eyes again, Asuka is stabbing the creature repeatedly in her red Evangelion and something’s on him. 

He can’t get up. 

Finally the arms of the Evangelion starts moving, lifting up is upper body and he can see what’s weighting him down. 

There's an Evangelion on him. The dark and lanky figure sprawled on its back, legs and arms open wide, its head split in two. From the crushed pieces of the Eva’s skull Shinji can see the entry plug sticking out. On its white surface, a black number stands out like a scream in a hollow city. 

It’s Kaworu’s Evangelion. In that little, white tube, surrounded by a liquid that always tastes like blood there’s Kaworu. And the robot is not moving. It’s lying on top of the Eva 01, heavy and motionless.

He thinks he screamed. 

Cried maybe. 

He feels like he did. 

He knows he tried to open the connection to speak to Kaworu, the Eva’s split head a proof in itself that it wouldn’t have worked.

He doesn’t remember how they defeated the angel. It was probably Asuka. He was left with Misato behind the operation room when Kaworu arrived at the hospital.

He knows Kaworu’s all right by now. They severed the connection between pilot and Eva in the same moment the angel struck him. Kaworu’s brain’s in shock, they told him. He saw the blow arrive. He knew he couldn’t escape it. He probably felt the violent contact. His brain shut down. Now they have to wait for it to understand it’s still alive, the body’s working and there’s no injury. It might take a while.

Misato got back to her job, her paperwork. Shinji’s been alone all day - night, whatever. It’s almost morning now - he can feel it in the heaviness of the air - and he still doesn’t have the courage to see Kaworu.

A nurse approaches him at a brisk pace. She nods at him and then enters Kaworu’s room.

Shinji can seem him from where his sitting.

He’s pale, more than usual - an unhealthy pale, a paleness that speaks of possible blood loss and certain shock - his light hair is spread every which way on the pillow and his breading is slow, his chest rises and falls at a regular pace.

There’s the sound of machines, the low humming of a monitor and the loud beeping of his heart rate.

This is all proof that Kaworu’s alive. He is still alive.

The nurse busies herself around the machinery. Checks his vitals, scribbles something and listens to his heartbeat.

Kaworu opens his eyes, a sliver of red in all that white, and turns his head. A flash of recognition, his lips spreading into a thin smile, his head lifting slowily from the pillow.

And Shinji bolts.

He runs away from the hospital, from the Headquarters, from Kaworu.

He runs like his life depends on it, like he’s never run before.

He only stops at the station and that’s just to take the first train out of the city.

He finds a seat and doesn’t move until the train is empty.

The trip is all a blur. 

People getting on and off the train, the soft humming of hushed voices drowned by the loud, melodic music in Shinji’s ears. And now there’s only the low rumble of the train and the same song that repeats for the millionth time.

The train eventually stops and Shinji can only get off and explore where he ended up.

That's the farthest he could go by train, a part of downtown he’s never been to.

He wanders around the neighborhood, the air heavy with the smell of rain, the streets wet and the neon lights reflecting off the many puddles on the pavement. 

He doesn’t know where he’s going. He’s just letting his feet guide him. 

When he’s tired, he retreats to a cinema, the plush, red chairs the perfect place to rest.

It’s almost deserted: a guy sleeping to Shinji’s left and a couple that is definitely not interested in what’s going on on the big screen, to his right. They kiss and they giggle and the guy surely has his hands on the girl’s breasts by now and it’s all getting on Shinji’s nerves.

He leaves. 

Shinji spends the day vagabonding through the city and the night lying on a sofa. 

He doesn’t sleep. His mind is both loud and still. He isn’t processing what he’s doing, what consequences his actions will have or where he’s going from here.

It’s not like he has anywhere to go that isn’t back where he ran from.

He's just so stupid. 

Worthless.

Useless.

He only hurts everyone.

He can’t protect anyone.

Nobody even cares.

When the sun is high in the sky again, Shinji leaves the city.

He spends a day walking in the countryside, hiking up hills and breathing in the fresh air. He distantly entertains the idea of living out here. Maybe find a small shed to sleep in, eat fruits or go into town to get food. Here between the blue sky and the green grass, where only cicadas and birds can see him. Where there’s no one to let down again. No one who risks getting hurt because Shinji can’t even decently pilot an Evangelion. Nobody that knows him. Where he can be a nobody and not the famous first child.

But at last, he can’t go any further. 

In front of him, where once there was a street, there a chasm. He can’t cross over, there’s no way to do that. The only thing Shinji can do is going back.

But he doesn’t want to go back. 

Suddenly he realizes, there’s nowhere for him to go and nothing to decide. He noticed a few hours ago people slowly coming closer. They’re wearing black suits and have a serious aura around them. They're from Nerv, probably from Security and Intelligence. They’re carrying guns under their jackets. 

It’s so obvious. They wouldn’t have let him go. Shinji is the first child, they can’t loose an Eva pilot when there’s an attack almost every day.

He slowly turns around. No other place to go to.

They bring him back in a car with tinted windows. He walked for so long to get the furthest away he could on foot, and in less than a few hours he’s back at Nerv HQ.

They leave him waiting in a dark room. Is he meant to think about what he’s done? Are they punishing him?

The door opens, and the light from the corridor hits him. In front of him, Major Katsuragi.

He can’t see her face. With the light at her back, Katsuragi’s face seems like a black hole.

“You wandered for two days. Are you feeling better?”

Were they following him from the beginning or did they just find him out of luck? Were they waiting for Shinji to reach an obstacle he could not surpass? Were they treating him like a child?

“Not much.” he replies.

“What are you going to do now?” Katsuragi asks him. “We can’t have pilots running away when the Angels could attack at any moment. You know that. You have a responsibility.”

They are treating him like a child. But, Shinji considers, he is nothing more than a moody teenager to them.

“We need to be sure we can rely on you, Shinji.” Katsuragi keeps going “If you can’t do what is asked of you, if you don’t want to pilot the Evangelion…then go.”

This Shinji was not expecting.

He looks at her, tries to make out the expression on her dark face.

“You…you don’t need me?” he asks, his voice unsure.

“Yes, we need you Shinji.” and he hates the relieved breath that almost escapes him. “But we can survive without you. We can make Ayanami or one of the others pilot the Unit 01. It would be easier with you, but if you do not intent to be more reliable, you should probably go.” 

So he’s not essential to them. Shinji can go.

“I’ll let you decide what to do. I’ll be back.” Katsuragi starts to go, but before she closes the door, her voice resound in the black room “If you decide you want to go, before leaving you should probably say goodbye to Nagisa. He’s been asking about you since he woke up.”

And with these words, she shuts the door.

This is something else Shinji fought to not think about while he was wandering. Kaworu. 

Shinji left him. Didn’t even say goodbye or explain what happened. Shinji himself doesn’t know what possessed him to run away from Neo Tokyo 3 - to run away from Kaworu. But while he was amusing himself at the thought of living alone in the middle of nowhere, he wasn’t thinking about Kaworu. He knew, deep down, that thinking about Kaworu would’ve made him doubt his own actions.

Can Shinji leave? Abandon everything and everyone and just be alone? Shinji is used to being alone. He was alone before Neo Tokyo 3 and he was alone before Kaworu showed up. 

Shinji can be alone. But…

Does he want to be alone?

It’s late at night when he finally knocks on the door.

He waits in the silent hallway. Everyone’s gone home or to their own bedrooms. He tells himself he won't knock a second time. If the door doesn’t open, he’ll go back to his own room. A few minutes more and he’ll go back.

The door stays close. 

Shinji takes a step back but he halts himself when he hears the creaking of the doorknob. 

Kaworu opened the door.

Shinji takes him in: his faded t-shirt, the comfy sweatpants, his hair in disarray and his eyes so focused and so gentle. Still so gentle.

“Shinji” he says. And there’s something in his stance, in his body - maybe he takes a step forward, maybe he slightly opens his arms, maybe he just smiles or maybe it’s his voice that sounds so relieved - and Shinji finds himself hugging him. Wrapping his arms tight around Kaworu’s lithe frame and breaths him in. Kaworu’s scent, fresh and clean.

He feels Kaworu’s arm hugging him back, his hands caressing his back, from his shoulders to his tail bone and back again.

“I don’t want to be alone” Shinji tells him, the words a breathy whisper on Kaworu’s neck.

And Kaworu’s arms tighten around him.

When Shinji feels like himself again, when his head is clearer, he lets Kaworu go. His eyes cast to the floor, he feels Kaworu’s hand touching his cheek like a comforting warmth.

“Do you want to came in?” Kaworu asks him, stroking his thumb on Shinji’s cheekbone.

When Shinji finally looks him in the eye - gentle and welcoming as always - he replies “ Yes, please”.

They enter the bedroom, Kaworu keeps the door open for him and locks it behind himself when Shinji’s inside. He then sits on the bed and patting the covers, gestures to Shinji to rest near him.

When they’re comfortable - both sitting on the bed, back to the wall - Shinji wonders “Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?”

Kaworu smiles. “I don’t want to pressure you. If you feel like you want to talk about it, about anything, I’m here. I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

They stay silent for a while. As always with Kaworu everything is both easier and more difficult than with anybody else. There’s so much he wants to tell Kaworu. Apologize, first of all. Ask about is health and thank him for saving his life. There’s so many questions in Shinji’s head, so many uncertainties: about their friendship - their...relationship? - about Kaworu himself, about what they’re doing piloting robots...so many questions, so many topics and the first thing he ends up blurting out is “I’m not a pervert”.

Kaworu laughs and Shinji can feel heat rising to his cheeks. He was serious and Kaworu’s just laughing. And his laughter is so limpid, so natural that Shinji wants to download it in some way, put it with the rest of his music and listen to it over and over again.

“Seems to me there’s a story behind your words.” Kaworu tells him when he’s pulled himself together again, his eyes still shining with amusement.

So, Shinji tells him about his encounter with Asuka, how she probably hates him but nobody knows why, and how he was trying to do the right thing. He obviously omits how he studied her body like it was an inviting new flower, right in front of her no less.

But Kaworu doesn’t seem to buy Shinji’s story when he tells him, amusement clear in his voice “You sure you’re not leaving something out? I know Asuka’s a feisty girl, and a wouldn’t put it past her to call you names, but I’m also pretty positive that there’s more.” He gets suddenly close, his nose inches away from Shinji’s and, smiling more than ever, adds “Want to know why I’m so sure?”

Shinji’s hypnotized by Kaworu’s closeness and in a moment of clarity he realizes that this could be dangerous territory. Kaworu’s expression is friendly, sure, but there’s also a glimmer of well-meaning mischief. This is a new version of the Kaworu he knows and it’s unknown and scary, but also awfully fascinating.

So he nods.

Kaworu’s lips stretch out in the most satisfied smile ever as he reveals “Because as soon as someone brings up Asuka you start blushing. Every time. And right now it seems like all your blood regrouped in your cheeks, as red as you are.”

Shinji’s embarrassment has climbed to an utterly new level. His brain must be boiling from all the heat in his cheeks. He futilely hides his face in his hands, while Kaworu’s laugh echoes in his ears - which are burning up as well.

“It’s not like a like her!” As soon as he says it he knows it’s not really the truth and Kaworu’s expression, when Shinji finds the courage to look him in the eye again, tells him as much.

“Okay, maybe there’s something I like...I mean...” words are starting to became more difficult than usual and his blushing doesn’t relent. His body is not cooperating.

“I don’t know what it is! She...It’s not like she treats me well but....”

Kaworu has mercy on him and tells him “I think it’s called hormones.” His amusement skyrockets atthe squeal his words bring out fo Shinji.

“I don’t want them.” Shinji admits, defeated.

“You don’t want hormones?” Kaworu asks, surprised.

“No, I don’t want them! They complicate things, make them difficult, strange and...messy!” Shinji admits.

“Something else gets messy too, I hear.” Kaworu jokes lightheartedly and Shinji almost implode: he’ll probably die from embarrassment.

But Kaworu’s right and denying it would be useless so he relents.

“Yeah, something else gets messy and I don’t like it.” 

“You don’t like it?”

“No, I don’t”. Shinji reiterates, “Do you like it?”

Kaworu seems to be thinking about it before he answers simply, “Never had the chance to find out.”

“You mean...didn’t you ever...like...never had...you know, wet dreams?” Oh god, Shinji’s entire being is cringing listening to that kind of words getting out of his mouth!

“Or...woke up...you know?” He so hopes Kaworu knows.

“I know what you mean,” Kaworu replies, a soft laughter in his words, “But I’ve never had such dreams. And, to be honest” he adds “I’ve never really entertained the thought of sex with someone. Anyone.”

“Uh.” Shinji’s dumbfounded. He never really had such a conversation with boys his own age before - both for lack of friends and lack of trying - but he thought what he experienced to be the norm. The fact that Kaworu could be different, even in the basic stuff, stuff about his organism and body... it’s quite something.

“What kind of dreams have you been having?” Kaworu asks him and Shinji is definitely not going to tell Kaworu the weird and embarrassing - but also, dares he think it, thrilling - scenarios that woke him up with wet pants but also, strangely, sort of satisfied.

Kaworu apparently gets him because he laughs and hugs him with such enthusiasm that they both sprawl on the bed, Shinji’s back to Kaworu’s chest.

Kaworu hooks his chin on Shinji’s shoulder and says, conspiratorially “When you’re ready you’ll tell me.”

Shinji thinks he will never be ready.

They lie like that for a bit, chest rising and falling and legs tangled together, before Shinji finally says it.

“I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I wasn’t there in the hospital when you woke up. And thank you for saving my life.”

Kaworu stays silent for a bit, humming in acknowledgement.

“What’s important is that you came back.” He says at last, “And you were there when I woke up, I saw you. Just before you bolted. So, thank you for waiting for me. And you’re welcome. I’ll save your life over and over again if it’s necessary. You’re important to me, Shinji.”

How can Kaworu say things like that so easily when Shinji needs as much courage as when piloting an Evangelion to say anything deep to him?

Shinji wants to tell him he’s important too and he lo...cares so deeply about Kaworu. He’s probably the person Shinji cares about the most. 

But all Shinji says is “Thank you”. And, miraculously it’s enough: Kaworu tightens his arms around Shinji and the message is loud and clear, a bell ringing in the silence. I get you.

After a moment of silence, a soft whisper makes Shinji’s heart beat faster.

“I did miss kissing you in these two days though...”

Shinji missed it too. Not just the kissing for kissing’s sake - though he has to admit that it’s a very nice activity -, but Kaworu’s presence, being close to him, his hands on Shinji’s cheeks, neck, shoulder. His hands everywhere. He wants Kaworu’s hands everywhere...oh God, he wants Kaworu’s hands to touch him everywhere! But Kaworu doesn’t...he probably doesn’t want that. And the thought is a little sad, knowing your desires and hopes for the future aren’t reciprocated, but also, it’s Kaworu. Whatever he wants will be enough for Shinji. He just wants to be close to Kaworu.

So Shinji shifts, turns over and, still a bit tentatively, kisses him. And it’s like he never left, it’s like the fog that has permeated his brain in the last two days has finally lifted and there is a clear view before him. And it’s peaceful and beautiful.

Kaworu’s hand cradles Shinji’s cheek while he deepens the kiss. It’s mouths and tongues and breaths and teeth and it’s glorious and Shinji doesn’t want it to ever end. 

Kaworu shifts, pushes him against the mattress and doesn’t stop kissing him. Shinji doesn’t object: felling Kaworu on top of him, almost imprinting the shape of Shinji’s body on his mattress, feeling like he can’t go anywhere - not that he’d want to - while they’re still tangled in each other, the only two people that matter, it’s everything. Shinji’s content.

When Kaworu’s knee brushes his lap, the force of Shinji’s body wanting more - more kisses, more touch, more Kaworu - is like a jolt through his limbs that rouses him from the peaceful state he’d been experiencing. He wants more.

And when a familiar pulse starts to rise in his crotch, Shinji grasps Kaworu’s shoulders and pushes him away. Shinji’s eyes focus on everything but Kaworu’s face, the shame is burning every inch of his skin.

“Are you okay?” Kaworu asks. 

Shinji stammers something out, he doubts his words have any real meaning but he can’t organize his thoughts, he just wants to hide and he can’t with Kaworu almost sitting on his thigh.

Something changes between them, a heaviness that wasn’t there before that weighs on Shinji’s awareness. He looks up at Kaworu and, with a flash of horror he can see Kaworu looking intently at his lap.

Oh, fuck.

There’s definitely something there for Kaworu to see, Shinji can feel it. He scrambles hastily to get up but, before he can get both of his feet on the floor, Kaworu’s hand is tight around his arm, keeping him from running away.

“Don’t leave” he hears and Kaworu’s words sounds too much like a plea fro Shinji to argue.

“Don’t be ashamed. It’s normal, it’s healthy, it’s...”

“But you don’t want to” Shinji blurts out, almost in tears. “You don’t get it.”

Not even a beat passes before he’s engulfed by Kaworu’s arms, in the tightest hug Shinji’s ever experienced.

“I want everything when it’s with you” he tells Shinji, his voice soft in Shinji’s ears. 

“I don’t know what this want is, I don’t know what I want but when I kiss you, my hands feel at home on your skin. They want to explore every part of you, on your clothes and under your clothes. I don’t think when I kiss you. My brain shuts down and all I am is sensations. And I always want more. So please. Stay.”

Tears have started falling from Shinji’s cheeks and he can’t stop them. His thoughts are a mess and his skin misses Kaworu’s touch.

He lets Kaworu maneuver him down on the bed again, Kaworu’s arms never leaving him.

There’s a movement of Kaworu’s arm, his voice that tentatively says “I can...” and Shinji’s reaction is lightning fast: he grips Kaworu’s hand and a loud “No” stops him.

“I don’t want....it’s gross..let it...it’s going to pass, just...wait.”

“You don’t...you don’t take care fo it?”

Is he really speaking with Kaworu about this? His life’s a comic show.

“I usually just...wait for it to pass. Maybe distract myself.” 

“You’ve never...” even Kaworu hesitates now. 

Maybe it’s the shift in Kaworu’s demeanor or maybe it’s just because they’re chest to back and Shinji doesn’t have to look him in the eye, but he finds himself saying “I have...a few times. But it’s gross and...I feel bad after.”

“Bad physically or bad...” Kaworu inquiries.

“Bad as in I feel dirty… guilty, like I shouldn’t have done it.”

“Why?” As if that isn’t what Shinji has always asked himself too.

“Dunno” he admits. He lets the silence stretch for a bit, reorganizing his words, before adding, “I guess it’s because I feel like I’m disrespecting the people I think about when I do it? Or… the few times I’ve thought about people I actually new. When it was...like...just a boy or a girl, no specifics, it wasn’t really...enjoyable. It was difficult...why am I telling you?”

Kaworu ignores his last question and keeps going, “Isn’t thinking about someone you know when you...do that...sort of, like, checking Asuka out every time you see her?”

Shinji whines. Just purely whines. Why did he have to bring Asuka up?

“I don’t know! And I don’t want to talk about Asuka...she confuses me.” A thought occurs to him and he doesn’t really think about it before asking, “Aren’t you jealous when I...react...to Asuka?”

Kaworu tries to look him in the eye but Shinji hides his face in the pillow. Some conversations are better when you can’t see who you’re talking to.

“I’m not jealous...I never thought I ought to be. Should I be? Are people usually jealous?”

“Yes, they usually are, Kaworu....” Shinji can’t help but turn around and look at him because, seriously? Only Kaworu could be oblivious to normal human reactions. 

“Well...I’m not. I mean, I can see why you like her...” Kaworu seems to think carefully about what he wants to say.

“Okay, I can’t see why you like her in that specific way, but she definitely has attributes that I don’t have so...like...whatever?”

That’s a very logic way of thinking about it, Shinji muses.

“Still, I’m the only one that gets to kiss you!” Kaworu says and kisses him.

They slowly kiss for a bit, their movement lazy, before Kaworu adds “So you’ll never...” with a distinct glance at Shinji’s crotch and Shinji’s cheeks are aflame again.

He wants to lie, to never talk about this with him again but the truth is want comes out, “One day.”

They talk a bit more. They kiss a bit more. Shinji’s blood calms down and starts to run at a normal pace. His heartbeat slows down. 

He doesn’t sleep in Kaworu’s bedroom this time. He needs a bit of time for himself, for once, so he goes back to his room and lies awake, staring at the plaster above him.

Shinji’s no stranger to barren ceilings. Moving from tutor to tutor, from flat to flat he had his fair share of new, unknown ceilings and bedrooms.

Strange how the whitest, most sterile ceiling is the one he doesn’t mind looking at.

If laying in bed, gaze fixed on the plasterwork overhead and listening to music were a sport, Shinji would be the champion. He doesn’t remember when he started doing it. 

His tape recorder is the oldest thing he’s always had with himself. His oldest friend. The proof that once he had a family too. Shinji doesn’t know why he kept something that belonged to his father - a connection, a physical reminder of being abandoned, the proof of a happier time long gone - but it’s become his closest companion. 

So many feelings are contained in that little recorder: a drowning sadness, a chocking anxiety, a helpless loneliness. He used to gaze at the ceiling with a deep feeling of being out of place, wrong and without purpose. 

Now, looking at the white surface above him, alone in his bedroom, Shinji is not burdened by all those dark feelings. There are still doubts and uncertainties but something new has grown. A colorful flower among black weeds. The astonishing revelation that connecting with people is possible. The dizziness of someone else’s touch. Knowing that someone cares. And even in his barren bedroom, Shinji is not alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to apologize to Asuka. I know I treated you like an object in this fic, but I love you and you're so much more than a pair of boobs and legs. Still, Shinji's a hormonal teenager so...


End file.
